The summer is finally here, actually the biggest celebration of the summer, midsummer! We had friends over and what a great time we had.
My updates on this blog have reduced dramatically, due to the fact that I was so disappointed in two things: firstly no-one has commented on my writings and when looking at the counter very few clicks have been made. Somehow I had to draw the conclusion that this is a boring subject or I can't write intestingly enough. The second reason is that when I added a video on this page, my computer went mad.
I heard that someone had commented my posts in the beginning, I have not seen these comments, so please please please: comment again :) I am truly sorry I haven't answered a thing.
Now an update on my condition: the medication has been altered so that we could change the pain medication to so called normal. I sleep almost every night about 8hours without problems. In April the "bloodvesselsurgeon" told me the results of the MRI done in March. On the right 1/2 cm of new blood vessels have started to grow but still only 1 1/2 of the three bloodvessels are in use. But then the left foot... the blockage has grown quite alot and a doctor told me afterwards that she has never seen so rapid change in Buergers. And I have stopped smoking, which would mean that the changes would either slow down or stop proceeding. But just the opposite has happened.
This wonderful brightness, some may call this the sun, has cheered me up, so I believe we are going for the better. Day by day.
2010/06/27
2010/03/21
International Day against Racism
Today is the International Day against Racism. Did you know that in 1966 the UN declared March 21st to be remembered as the day against racism, and that the events in South Africa in March six years before that lead to the world wide acknowledgement towards the equality of man.
I am honored, my son took part in the Finnish Red Cross campaign and the spot is wonderful! I’ll try to add it to my blog for you to see. Unfortunately it is spoken in Finnish with no subtitles, so if you should need translation, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
For a couple of days I have taken my new medication. The only difference is that I feel constantly ill all the time, which means that I haven’t eaten real food during this time, only tea and once a day I force down a piece of bread or banana. This is said to be a normal reaction to this medication, and that these feelings should subside in two-three weeks. You know that everything is not alright when I say no to chocolate. And I just love chocolate regardless the flavor, white chocolate, dark chocolate, orange crumb chocolate or milk chocolate.
This past week has been extraordinary due to the fact that every morning I have woken before seven am. Normally I’d sleep until nine or ten, and first then get up. After three or four hours I have to take a nap, because I am so tired. I assume this also has something to do with the new medicines.
Last Friday we drove to the police station and left my application for the disabled parking permit. I had to have my picture taken, and it turned out awful! But then again, whose passport picture is one of their best pictures? Bad paid for photo indeed.
Still hoping that spring will come very soon, I want to go outside. In two or maybe three months, we can finally spend time at our summer cottage, I’m really looking forward to this. What I would give to move permanently there. My dream is to build a house on top of the hill, on one side you can see Lake Outamo and on the other side is the grand lake of Lohja. The house would be with big windows, so that the view wouldn’t be disturbed by walls. Well, maybe one day.
I am honored, my son took part in the Finnish Red Cross campaign and the spot is wonderful! I’ll try to add it to my blog for you to see. Unfortunately it is spoken in Finnish with no subtitles, so if you should need translation, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
For a couple of days I have taken my new medication. The only difference is that I feel constantly ill all the time, which means that I haven’t eaten real food during this time, only tea and once a day I force down a piece of bread or banana. This is said to be a normal reaction to this medication, and that these feelings should subside in two-three weeks. You know that everything is not alright when I say no to chocolate. And I just love chocolate regardless the flavor, white chocolate, dark chocolate, orange crumb chocolate or milk chocolate.
This past week has been extraordinary due to the fact that every morning I have woken before seven am. Normally I’d sleep until nine or ten, and first then get up. After three or four hours I have to take a nap, because I am so tired. I assume this also has something to do with the new medicines.
Last Friday we drove to the police station and left my application for the disabled parking permit. I had to have my picture taken, and it turned out awful! But then again, whose passport picture is one of their best pictures? Bad paid for photo indeed.
Still hoping that spring will come very soon, I want to go outside. In two or maybe three months, we can finally spend time at our summer cottage, I’m really looking forward to this. What I would give to move permanently there. My dream is to build a house on top of the hill, on one side you can see Lake Outamo and on the other side is the grand lake of Lohja. The house would be with big windows, so that the view wouldn’t be disturbed by walls. Well, maybe one day.
2010/03/16
New medication
Finally the doctor’s statement for my disabled parking permit arrived. So, this means I have to have my picture taken, which is something I dislike especially now when I have gained a lot of weight thanks to the now changed medication. Today I started with my new meds, and immediately lost my appetite. I feel nauseous all the time, and preparing food for my family was quite an ordeal.
Fortunately due to my long experience with cooking, today the food comes almost by itself so that I don’t have to stand beside the pots and pans for more than seconds at a time. Seems like we’re back to the same situation I was in last summer, when I didn’t eat anything for days. It simply was too much to ask of me to get something down my throat.
Otherwise things are nearly back to normal. My son was home for many days, he had caught a really nasty flue. The cut in my left hand is healing nicely, so I am able to write and knit again. We built, or rather assembled, a closet yesterday for the girls’ room, there is still another closet waiting for us to assemble, maybe today or tomorrow we’ll have the energy to do so.
Last night we watched the film Australia with Nicole Kidman ja Hugh Jackman. It brought tears to my eyes, especially when Nullah was taken to the boat and the look in the both of their eyes. I cried watching Sex and the City-movie as well. It was so heart breaking to watch Carrie hit Mr.Big with the flowers and Charlotte pulling her away. Charlotte’s eyes were so filled with pain that I just could not hold back the tears. But I think it is possible that movies touch you in that way. It shows that you still have big emotions after these negative happenings.
There is still as much snow as there was last week. Even today I have a longing for a trip abroad. This weekend I had nothing to do besides chores and it made me lose my nerves. I wanted to go somewhere, meet someone or just do something else than clean the house or do the laundry. Instead we went upstairs to our dungeon and turned on the Playstation and played PopIdol and won. It wasn’t that hard, maybe because I had set the level as Easy. Looks like it is too Easy, so next time I have to increase the difficulty level. It’s fun more than anything, good music and nice clothes.
After a couple of nights sleeping badly, I feel quite tired. Last night I was awake from 4 Am until 7 Am, and then finally was able to get a couple of hours of sleep again. I thought of getting up and folding the laundry, but it was too cold to do that, so I lay in bed listening to our cats’ noise inside and some weird noise outside, so distinct that even our dogs started barking.
The sun is not shining today outside, inside it is.
Fortunately due to my long experience with cooking, today the food comes almost by itself so that I don’t have to stand beside the pots and pans for more than seconds at a time. Seems like we’re back to the same situation I was in last summer, when I didn’t eat anything for days. It simply was too much to ask of me to get something down my throat.
Otherwise things are nearly back to normal. My son was home for many days, he had caught a really nasty flue. The cut in my left hand is healing nicely, so I am able to write and knit again. We built, or rather assembled, a closet yesterday for the girls’ room, there is still another closet waiting for us to assemble, maybe today or tomorrow we’ll have the energy to do so.
Last night we watched the film Australia with Nicole Kidman ja Hugh Jackman. It brought tears to my eyes, especially when Nullah was taken to the boat and the look in the both of their eyes. I cried watching Sex and the City-movie as well. It was so heart breaking to watch Carrie hit Mr.Big with the flowers and Charlotte pulling her away. Charlotte’s eyes were so filled with pain that I just could not hold back the tears. But I think it is possible that movies touch you in that way. It shows that you still have big emotions after these negative happenings.
There is still as much snow as there was last week. Even today I have a longing for a trip abroad. This weekend I had nothing to do besides chores and it made me lose my nerves. I wanted to go somewhere, meet someone or just do something else than clean the house or do the laundry. Instead we went upstairs to our dungeon and turned on the Playstation and played PopIdol and won. It wasn’t that hard, maybe because I had set the level as Easy. Looks like it is too Easy, so next time I have to increase the difficulty level. It’s fun more than anything, good music and nice clothes.
After a couple of nights sleeping badly, I feel quite tired. Last night I was awake from 4 Am until 7 Am, and then finally was able to get a couple of hours of sleep again. I thought of getting up and folding the laundry, but it was too cold to do that, so I lay in bed listening to our cats’ noise inside and some weird noise outside, so distinct that even our dogs started barking.
The sun is not shining today outside, inside it is.
2010/03/11
Grand Idea
The sun is shining brightly, the birds chirp so loud that I can hear the song inside as clear as I would stand beside them. Could we now start the countdown with the snow?
Last night I cut myself with a very sharp knife right in my left hand so that the blade almost pierced the hand. I could not do any knitting afterwards, so my quilt-project is falling behind. Luckily some of my friends have start to knit some pieces themselves, this eases my chore. The idea is to knit squares of woolen garn and sow them together to form a big quilt, which is sent to the Finnish Red Cross and from there somewhere in the world for people in need. My daughter and I have knitted about 40 squares, so there’s just enough for one quilt. The goal is to make 20 quilts before the end of May. Ambitious, Yes!
When talking with my mother yesterday, I got a splendid idea – all of my experiences will be put together to publish a book. This blog is the base for this book, and I thought of translating these entries to Finnish and Swedish, so that my book can be published in three different languages instantly. The first book would be titled “Isa – the First Year with Buerger’s Disease”. Now that I wrote it down, it does sound quite lame. “In Fear of Amputation” “Fighting the Windmills” They sound a bit better, but do they tell the truth? Well, I have ample time to figure out the name.
Feels like nothing goes the way I’d like them to go. I still feel discouraged after the visit from our community’s head of the disabled and the elderly. I had thought that now I would be able to do something else than to sit around the house, but no. That would have been too easy. After a few hours of sleep, it doesn’t even feel like I want to make things happen. Instead it made me want to pack our bags and move away. Still I am stuck here inside these four walls. Looks like once again if you want something done – do it yourself.
The pain in my hand from this writing is getting worse, so I’d better stop. I am going to spend the rest of the day dreaming about utopia, where things go smoothly the way I want.
Last night I cut myself with a very sharp knife right in my left hand so that the blade almost pierced the hand. I could not do any knitting afterwards, so my quilt-project is falling behind. Luckily some of my friends have start to knit some pieces themselves, this eases my chore. The idea is to knit squares of woolen garn and sow them together to form a big quilt, which is sent to the Finnish Red Cross and from there somewhere in the world for people in need. My daughter and I have knitted about 40 squares, so there’s just enough for one quilt. The goal is to make 20 quilts before the end of May. Ambitious, Yes!
When talking with my mother yesterday, I got a splendid idea – all of my experiences will be put together to publish a book. This blog is the base for this book, and I thought of translating these entries to Finnish and Swedish, so that my book can be published in three different languages instantly. The first book would be titled “Isa – the First Year with Buerger’s Disease”. Now that I wrote it down, it does sound quite lame. “In Fear of Amputation” “Fighting the Windmills” They sound a bit better, but do they tell the truth? Well, I have ample time to figure out the name.
Feels like nothing goes the way I’d like them to go. I still feel discouraged after the visit from our community’s head of the disabled and the elderly. I had thought that now I would be able to do something else than to sit around the house, but no. That would have been too easy. After a few hours of sleep, it doesn’t even feel like I want to make things happen. Instead it made me want to pack our bags and move away. Still I am stuck here inside these four walls. Looks like once again if you want something done – do it yourself.
The pain in my hand from this writing is getting worse, so I’d better stop. I am going to spend the rest of the day dreaming about utopia, where things go smoothly the way I want.
2010/03/10
Disappointment
Honestly - I'm pissed off. Furious. Angry. Sad. Overwhelmed. Irritated. In which other words could I describe how I feel right now.
Feels like I am fighting against windmills. With no success. Possibly this is due to the fact that I have not been able to take my normal pain medication and last night I slept only for four hours. In pain. When I woke up this morning, my feet hurt so bad I wasn't able to take steps right after waking up. I managed to get to the shower and sat on my chair for a long long time, and still my feet kept aching. We had a visitor this morning, and the result is that our community is not going to help me. Well, that is the negative way. To turn it around to the positive side - all I have to do is to ask for a new statement from the doctor, which states that I am not able to rise up the stairs, I use triangle-medicine and that my condition is permanent, not temporary. After this, I may leave an application for assisted taxi-rides. But, I am only allowed to travel within the neighboring communities, not for example to go and meet my parents, even though the law says that the community has to ensure that my quality of life is upheld and that I am able to meet with my family and friends for atleast 10hours every month.
I understand that it is too much to ask. But why on earth is there such a law, if no-one has to obey it? Why do I have to fight for my rights? Not to party, like the Beastie Boys :D
Tomorrow my doctor is at her office, so I can contact her once again and ask for this statement, so that I would be able to do something else than to sit at home.
But the worst part is that I had hoped that I would particitipate in some kind of activity. Like for example chairgymnastics. Or just meet with other people once a week. Or to have someone to talk to every once in a while. But no, nothing. Not even hope. Well, ofcourse I may join a group by myself. But the problem is that these other groups cost a whole lot more than the those organized by the community. And since I am not able to work, money is the obstacle.
So, in conclusion - there is no difference what you are entitled to, nothing is awarded to you free of charge.
Feels like I am fighting against windmills. With no success. Possibly this is due to the fact that I have not been able to take my normal pain medication and last night I slept only for four hours. In pain. When I woke up this morning, my feet hurt so bad I wasn't able to take steps right after waking up. I managed to get to the shower and sat on my chair for a long long time, and still my feet kept aching. We had a visitor this morning, and the result is that our community is not going to help me. Well, that is the negative way. To turn it around to the positive side - all I have to do is to ask for a new statement from the doctor, which states that I am not able to rise up the stairs, I use triangle-medicine and that my condition is permanent, not temporary. After this, I may leave an application for assisted taxi-rides. But, I am only allowed to travel within the neighboring communities, not for example to go and meet my parents, even though the law says that the community has to ensure that my quality of life is upheld and that I am able to meet with my family and friends for atleast 10hours every month.
I understand that it is too much to ask. But why on earth is there such a law, if no-one has to obey it? Why do I have to fight for my rights? Not to party, like the Beastie Boys :D
Tomorrow my doctor is at her office, so I can contact her once again and ask for this statement, so that I would be able to do something else than to sit at home.
But the worst part is that I had hoped that I would particitipate in some kind of activity. Like for example chairgymnastics. Or just meet with other people once a week. Or to have someone to talk to every once in a while. But no, nothing. Not even hope. Well, ofcourse I may join a group by myself. But the problem is that these other groups cost a whole lot more than the those organized by the community. And since I am not able to work, money is the obstacle.
So, in conclusion - there is no difference what you are entitled to, nothing is awarded to you free of charge.
2010/03/09
Chores
Guess who is tired, again. This seems to be a normal state for me, and I don't like it at all. Immediately after the kids had started to school and my spouse to work (in other words a bit before 10AM), I started pealing the potatoes ja vacuuming. About an hour ago, I was done.
Maybe this helps you understand how little I am able to do at once. And this is due to the fact I can't stand or walk, because my feet ache so bad.
I tried to take a nap on the bed, but all the dogs came on top of me and I had to get up. It would have been nice to relax for 15minutes, but no. Not even a minute.
Probably it would be best to try again, last night I had difficulty catching sleep - it was about 1AM I glanced at my watch for the last time.
So, this was a brief update - better little than nothing at all.
Maybe this helps you understand how little I am able to do at once. And this is due to the fact I can't stand or walk, because my feet ache so bad.
I tried to take a nap on the bed, but all the dogs came on top of me and I had to get up. It would have been nice to relax for 15minutes, but no. Not even a minute.
Probably it would be best to try again, last night I had difficulty catching sleep - it was about 1AM I glanced at my watch for the last time.
So, this was a brief update - better little than nothing at all.
2010/03/08
Anything boys can do, girls can do better!
Happy International Womens' Day!
I am lucky to be born in Finland, here I have the possibility to be who I am. I don't have to hide my true indentity. That is mainly the reason why this day is so special around the world - so that people would recognize that women are equal. When I was a little girl, my favourite t-shirt was yellow and it said: "Anything boys can do, girls can do better!" My parents have always said that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind at. The teachers at my school made it clear to us that the world is open for us, we may achieve high goals if we want to.
But, nothing comes free of charge. There is always a hidden agenda. It is necessarily not always a bad one, but some kind of hook is at the end of each line.
Today I left a message for my physician about my pain medication. I hope she phones me back as soon as possible, I had to remove my painkillerband-aid, seems like I have grown allergic to it. Tomorro I should be wiser about this.
Still I am very tired, and getting up in the morning is difficult. Oyr dogs do the best they can to wake me up, but still it's hard. Mainly because of the pain in my legs at mornings. But also due to the fact that it feels like I haven't slept enough, even though I sleep for 9-10hours every night. It is like a circle - I am too tired to do anything, and because I don't do anything I'm tired. And with the do anything I mean excercise. Hopefully on Wednesday there will be a change in this, our community's chief of the Elderly and the Disabled is coming to meet me and then if all goes well I may participate in some kind of gymnastics, which would suit me.
Soon I will head to the childrens' school, we are scheduled to have a parent-teacher conference in the afternoon. Wishing for positive feedback.
Thank You for reading my thoughts, I really do appreciate it :)
I am lucky to be born in Finland, here I have the possibility to be who I am. I don't have to hide my true indentity. That is mainly the reason why this day is so special around the world - so that people would recognize that women are equal. When I was a little girl, my favourite t-shirt was yellow and it said: "Anything boys can do, girls can do better!" My parents have always said that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind at. The teachers at my school made it clear to us that the world is open for us, we may achieve high goals if we want to.
But, nothing comes free of charge. There is always a hidden agenda. It is necessarily not always a bad one, but some kind of hook is at the end of each line.
Today I left a message for my physician about my pain medication. I hope she phones me back as soon as possible, I had to remove my painkillerband-aid, seems like I have grown allergic to it. Tomorro I should be wiser about this.
Still I am very tired, and getting up in the morning is difficult. Oyr dogs do the best they can to wake me up, but still it's hard. Mainly because of the pain in my legs at mornings. But also due to the fact that it feels like I haven't slept enough, even though I sleep for 9-10hours every night. It is like a circle - I am too tired to do anything, and because I don't do anything I'm tired. And with the do anything I mean excercise. Hopefully on Wednesday there will be a change in this, our community's chief of the Elderly and the Disabled is coming to meet me and then if all goes well I may participate in some kind of gymnastics, which would suit me.
Soon I will head to the childrens' school, we are scheduled to have a parent-teacher conference in the afternoon. Wishing for positive feedback.
Thank You for reading my thoughts, I really do appreciate it :)
2010/03/05
My ambitious plans for the summer
Spring! Soon, the sun is shining so bright again today that I had the urge to wash windows and begin with the spring clean. I even started, walked to our barn and found out it had snowed in the barn so much, that all the things were covered in that terrible white stuff.
My original thought was that in March I would clean up the barn and get everything ready for a garage sale which would be held during the Easter. After the stuff from the barn is sold, I would clean it up and move forward to our sauna.
First I would tear down the inner walls and the inner ceiling in the sauna before all the bugs have woken up. Then when it is warmer in May, I would redo all the walls and floors and finally decorate it to a guest house, so that our friends can stay overnight in their own house, so that our dogs (and children) do not disturb their sleep.
In the end of May 'til the beginning of June my plan is to plant flowers and to do something to our fence, so that we would not see our neighbor's house. Or rather that they would not see us.
In June, July and August we are to spend half of the summer here renovating indoors as well as outdoors, and the other half at our summer cottage doing the same thing. In August the berries and apples are ready to be picked, so then the time goes with these wonderful chores.
I know I can do all this by myself, just as soon as the snow has melted so that I can move with my walking-aid about. When it is warmer, it is more convenient to do things outdoor. I have a real plan, the only thing left to do is to execute it.
If someone who reads this feels like helping, please - feel free to help at any time!
My original thought was that in March I would clean up the barn and get everything ready for a garage sale which would be held during the Easter. After the stuff from the barn is sold, I would clean it up and move forward to our sauna.
First I would tear down the inner walls and the inner ceiling in the sauna before all the bugs have woken up. Then when it is warmer in May, I would redo all the walls and floors and finally decorate it to a guest house, so that our friends can stay overnight in their own house, so that our dogs (and children) do not disturb their sleep.
In the end of May 'til the beginning of June my plan is to plant flowers and to do something to our fence, so that we would not see our neighbor's house. Or rather that they would not see us.
In June, July and August we are to spend half of the summer here renovating indoors as well as outdoors, and the other half at our summer cottage doing the same thing. In August the berries and apples are ready to be picked, so then the time goes with these wonderful chores.
I know I can do all this by myself, just as soon as the snow has melted so that I can move with my walking-aid about. When it is warmer, it is more convenient to do things outdoor. I have a real plan, the only thing left to do is to execute it.
If someone who reads this feels like helping, please - feel free to help at any time!
2010/03/04
Tired, again.
Today, Thursday, a bad day indeed. Well, bad in the way I'm tired. So tired that I do not have the energy to do anything. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Ingenting. I just want for this day to go by, so that tomorrow would be better.
Last night it was a storm, once again. The snow has cut off our road and we get nowhere at the moment. Unfortunately the person who uses the plowtractor is lying in bed sick. So we are stuck. My daughter could not attend preschool, because of the ... snow.
Yesterday a good friend came over and told me what to do in order for me to receive disabled benefits. It looks like paperwork, tons of it. If I am to write the application having in mind my worst day, it would be something like this:
- wake up around 10.AM and start to get out of bed. My feet are so sore that I can take my first careful step about 20minutes later with the help of crutches.
- around 10.30 take a shower, carry the chair I need into the shower and another chair to sit on afterwards. After approximately half an hour later I'm done and with my last energy left I aim for my chair in the living room (=our bedroom nowadays) and sit there for hours, because me feet ache so much I don't want to stand up.
- in the afternoon my feet are a bit better and I start making dinner for my family. This can take up to three hours, because I have to sit down every few minutes when pealing the potatoes or similar.
- after dinner my feet are as sore as they were in the morning, so I have to sit again for hours to ease the pain and suddenly it is 22PM and I am about to fall asleep again.
The following day is similar, and the after that and probably weeks after that as well.
If I were to write this in the application, would they believe me?
I know the reason why I am so tired today. Things have piled up again and took the turn for the worse. Small things like the tv-channels not showing feel so overwhelming when you add ten other bigger troubles to it. Maybe it would be best if I just went back to bed and woke up tomorrow. Maybe then the road would be clear and our tv would be back on and all of the bills would be paid for?
So, good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Last night it was a storm, once again. The snow has cut off our road and we get nowhere at the moment. Unfortunately the person who uses the plowtractor is lying in bed sick. So we are stuck. My daughter could not attend preschool, because of the ... snow.
Yesterday a good friend came over and told me what to do in order for me to receive disabled benefits. It looks like paperwork, tons of it. If I am to write the application having in mind my worst day, it would be something like this:
- wake up around 10.AM and start to get out of bed. My feet are so sore that I can take my first careful step about 20minutes later with the help of crutches.
- around 10.30 take a shower, carry the chair I need into the shower and another chair to sit on afterwards. After approximately half an hour later I'm done and with my last energy left I aim for my chair in the living room (=our bedroom nowadays) and sit there for hours, because me feet ache so much I don't want to stand up.
- in the afternoon my feet are a bit better and I start making dinner for my family. This can take up to three hours, because I have to sit down every few minutes when pealing the potatoes or similar.
- after dinner my feet are as sore as they were in the morning, so I have to sit again for hours to ease the pain and suddenly it is 22PM and I am about to fall asleep again.
The following day is similar, and the after that and probably weeks after that as well.
If I were to write this in the application, would they believe me?
I know the reason why I am so tired today. Things have piled up again and took the turn for the worse. Small things like the tv-channels not showing feel so overwhelming when you add ten other bigger troubles to it. Maybe it would be best if I just went back to bed and woke up tomorrow. Maybe then the road would be clear and our tv would be back on and all of the bills would be paid for?
So, good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.
2010/03/02
Maybe
It has been about a week since I last updated my blog, we went for a holiday so it has been quite extraordinary days, but wonderful days :) I feel so energetic when meeting up with good friends and spending time with them, and to have the opportunity to enjoy days with my parents.
We went to a Schoolmuseum on Thursday with my mothers friends. I never would have thought that sitting in school would be that nice! Our guide really knew his history and brought the stories alive. This museum is located almost in the centre, so it may be best to use the public transport to get there. We went with my mother's car, and had difficulty to find parking place when there was snow everywhere. The museum is also suited for disabled persons, in every room there are chairs. http://www.museot.fi/searchmuseums/index.php?museo_id=21144
There is no entrance fee, but you get more information if there is a guide with you.
I seem to have some problems with my medication at the moment. The painkillerbandaid is making my skin really red and it itches all the time. My other medication has made my weight come up so much that I have difficulty finding clothes to wear, and now I am awake at nights, again. Looks like my body has grown used to these pills and they have lost their efficiency. I have to contact my "pain"physician about how to proceed.
Last week my doctor phoned and my right hand has to be operated. We talked about my disabled parking permit, and she said why haven't I asked about it sooner. She promised to write me a certification that I really need this permit. My friends from Tampere told me that I am entitled to use the disabled taxi as well, if the social service agrees with my doctor that I am in need of assistance. But, knowing money is scarce, they might just say tough luck.
Finally the snow is gradually starting to melt. Atlast! Everyday big wet wipes fall down from the sky, which should increase the amount of snow, instead it decreases is. If you look outside it seems that the snowlevel has staid the same, but if you have some kind of focal point you see the real change. I'm using the bench, which we forgot outside before winter, as a comparison.
Maybe in a few months I may spend my days outside, maybe walking a bit around, maybe even doing some gardening. If I'm really lucky, we may have some friends come over. But, before this would be possible, I want to renovate teh sauna into a guesthouse. Me, by myself. Maybe.
We went to a Schoolmuseum on Thursday with my mothers friends. I never would have thought that sitting in school would be that nice! Our guide really knew his history and brought the stories alive. This museum is located almost in the centre, so it may be best to use the public transport to get there. We went with my mother's car, and had difficulty to find parking place when there was snow everywhere. The museum is also suited for disabled persons, in every room there are chairs. http://www.museot.fi/searchmuseums/index.php?museo_id=21144
There is no entrance fee, but you get more information if there is a guide with you.
I seem to have some problems with my medication at the moment. The painkillerbandaid is making my skin really red and it itches all the time. My other medication has made my weight come up so much that I have difficulty finding clothes to wear, and now I am awake at nights, again. Looks like my body has grown used to these pills and they have lost their efficiency. I have to contact my "pain"physician about how to proceed.
Last week my doctor phoned and my right hand has to be operated. We talked about my disabled parking permit, and she said why haven't I asked about it sooner. She promised to write me a certification that I really need this permit. My friends from Tampere told me that I am entitled to use the disabled taxi as well, if the social service agrees with my doctor that I am in need of assistance. But, knowing money is scarce, they might just say tough luck.
Finally the snow is gradually starting to melt. Atlast! Everyday big wet wipes fall down from the sky, which should increase the amount of snow, instead it decreases is. If you look outside it seems that the snowlevel has staid the same, but if you have some kind of focal point you see the real change. I'm using the bench, which we forgot outside before winter, as a comparison.
Maybe in a few months I may spend my days outside, maybe walking a bit around, maybe even doing some gardening. If I'm really lucky, we may have some friends come over. But, before this would be possible, I want to renovate teh sauna into a guesthouse. Me, by myself. Maybe.
2010/02/23
My feet are killing me!
My feet are killing me!
An expression people use much too often, especially when they don't mean it. For example - you have been shopping all day, walking around in shops and carrying bags of stuff. At the end of the day your feet are all swollen and you are hoping for a nice, relaxing moment with your feet raised up. Well, that is how I feel every day after standing for a couple of minutes or walking about 200meters. And the worst is, the pain doesn't go away, and the next bit of walk is shorter and it gets shorter all day until you simply cannot take another step without fierce pain.
Today I lit up the fireplace. The firewood is stacked beside it and I lifted a few blocks of wood and some paper to start the fire. This took about 3minutes, and halfway I felt like giving up for the time being, but once again I bit my lip and just kept on. Then I had to take ten steps to my chair, it felt like forever.
How on earth am I able to do anything anymore? Everytime I feel this stupid pain, my spirits are lowered from the low point they already were at. This coldness just makes me worse day by day, I have to get to a warmer place.
Tomorrow we head off to my parents' house, we'll stay there for many days. I have made plans for us, lets see what we'll accomplish. The main reason is that my son has been asked to audition for a leading role in a film, and that gave me an excuse to make plans around Thursday. On Wednesday we'll meet a very dear friend, and maybe (just maybe) on Friday evening, I'll go out with my friends. That is just maybe. A very big question mark. Just might be possible that I do not have the energy, but you'll never know.
Maybe this brief vacation cheers me up. I truly hope so, because I notice myself that I have changed, for the worse. Previously I have been a very difficult person to my nearest, and now it's ten time more awful. Honestly, if I had to choose, I wouldn't live with myself. But I don't, so I have to and I do. And once again, I thank my wife for her long temper with me. She deserves something better, but still she is with me.
When we start, I'll take my computer with me, so let's see how often updates will appear!
An expression people use much too often, especially when they don't mean it. For example - you have been shopping all day, walking around in shops and carrying bags of stuff. At the end of the day your feet are all swollen and you are hoping for a nice, relaxing moment with your feet raised up. Well, that is how I feel every day after standing for a couple of minutes or walking about 200meters. And the worst is, the pain doesn't go away, and the next bit of walk is shorter and it gets shorter all day until you simply cannot take another step without fierce pain.
Today I lit up the fireplace. The firewood is stacked beside it and I lifted a few blocks of wood and some paper to start the fire. This took about 3minutes, and halfway I felt like giving up for the time being, but once again I bit my lip and just kept on. Then I had to take ten steps to my chair, it felt like forever.
How on earth am I able to do anything anymore? Everytime I feel this stupid pain, my spirits are lowered from the low point they already were at. This coldness just makes me worse day by day, I have to get to a warmer place.
Tomorrow we head off to my parents' house, we'll stay there for many days. I have made plans for us, lets see what we'll accomplish. The main reason is that my son has been asked to audition for a leading role in a film, and that gave me an excuse to make plans around Thursday. On Wednesday we'll meet a very dear friend, and maybe (just maybe) on Friday evening, I'll go out with my friends. That is just maybe. A very big question mark. Just might be possible that I do not have the energy, but you'll never know.
Maybe this brief vacation cheers me up. I truly hope so, because I notice myself that I have changed, for the worse. Previously I have been a very difficult person to my nearest, and now it's ten time more awful. Honestly, if I had to choose, I wouldn't live with myself. But I don't, so I have to and I do. And once again, I thank my wife for her long temper with me. She deserves something better, but still she is with me.
When we start, I'll take my computer with me, so let's see how often updates will appear!
2010/02/21
The day after the storm
The day after the storm, a real storm. And I'm talking about the kind of storm which goes on outside, the weather. It's terrible, awful, cold, freezing, filled with snow, ice cold. I truly dislike this kind of winter.
During last night the wind together with the falling snow has filled every last bit of our paths made from the door onwards. When you look from the window, it seems like no-one has been walking in the snow for quite some time. Horrible! Our small dogs have trouble making their way on our yard, and you couldn't even think about taking a stroll in the forest. You would have to have some kind of survival kit with you in order to proceed. It has been many years since last it has been this much snow during the winter. Can't say I wait for the spring, what happens when it gets a bit warmer? The snow begin to melt, and every place is filled with puddles, mud and dirty dogs, who jump directly on the bed. That means we have to wash the dogs frequently, and with my condition it isn't a simple procedure.
For the past couple of nights, I've slept very poorly. I wake up again every few hours, and the bed is getting more and more uncomfortable with each passing night. Thanks to the ... Olympics, I had to sleep in my daughter's bed for one night, because the ice hockey game started at 7 AM, and the noiselevel during the games is something else than quiet. The only thing we get to watch from tv is skiing, skijumping, half-pipe, ice hockey etc. I really do not care about sports. Not the very least. Not even a bit. Wuhuu, Finland got a medal. I am not intrested about why the finnish skiers have to discontinue their race. It would be the same for me if there would be no Finnish Olympics team, the money the government spend with these athletes would be better spent with for example hiring teachers to schools or paying for nurses salaries. If there are 20 athletes in this group, you could hire 40 helping hands to hospitals or nursing homes. But it is much greater to have an athlete compete with others than to take care of the elderly, children or sick people. That's money well spent!
My negativity is high today, due to the fact I'm tired, every place is aching again and I hate this winter. I want to go someplace sunny, but this is not a possibility. Not even a remote chance. Maybe it would be best for me to go back to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.
During last night the wind together with the falling snow has filled every last bit of our paths made from the door onwards. When you look from the window, it seems like no-one has been walking in the snow for quite some time. Horrible! Our small dogs have trouble making their way on our yard, and you couldn't even think about taking a stroll in the forest. You would have to have some kind of survival kit with you in order to proceed. It has been many years since last it has been this much snow during the winter. Can't say I wait for the spring, what happens when it gets a bit warmer? The snow begin to melt, and every place is filled with puddles, mud and dirty dogs, who jump directly on the bed. That means we have to wash the dogs frequently, and with my condition it isn't a simple procedure.
For the past couple of nights, I've slept very poorly. I wake up again every few hours, and the bed is getting more and more uncomfortable with each passing night. Thanks to the ... Olympics, I had to sleep in my daughter's bed for one night, because the ice hockey game started at 7 AM, and the noiselevel during the games is something else than quiet. The only thing we get to watch from tv is skiing, skijumping, half-pipe, ice hockey etc. I really do not care about sports. Not the very least. Not even a bit. Wuhuu, Finland got a medal. I am not intrested about why the finnish skiers have to discontinue their race. It would be the same for me if there would be no Finnish Olympics team, the money the government spend with these athletes would be better spent with for example hiring teachers to schools or paying for nurses salaries. If there are 20 athletes in this group, you could hire 40 helping hands to hospitals or nursing homes. But it is much greater to have an athlete compete with others than to take care of the elderly, children or sick people. That's money well spent!
My negativity is high today, due to the fact I'm tired, every place is aching again and I hate this winter. I want to go someplace sunny, but this is not a possibility. Not even a remote chance. Maybe it would be best for me to go back to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.
2010/02/19
Caribbean dream
Thought today would be a good day to update my blog. This week has been so filled with various activities, that all my energy has gone with other stuff.
We went to a birthday party on Wednesday, Finlands first Brasilianterrier Chiquita do Taboao had her 14th Birthday. When we entered the room, she came and greeted us warmly. As she did to everyone else as well. She certainly could make her guests feel welcome! I had baked cakes to this party, and was very pleased when the cakes were almost eaten up.
It still is very very cold, again. It's snowing, again. For the first time in my life, I want to go south for a while. I want to be in the sun for a week. And then the minute I arrive to a place the sun shines, I have to go the shade :D
Maybe it's better not to take a vacation under the sun, this coldness would probably feel much worse afterwards. Or then just the opposite. Maybe changing the area could make one tolerate this weather better?
I could very well picture myself on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean, the sun is shining from a clear sky. The water is deep blue, and the waves wash gently on a white shore. Behind me is a person playing the steel drum, people dancing around and singing along. There I am, underneath a palm tree, a cool soda bottle waiting to refresh me. Wishful thinking, I know.
To come back to reality, I've often thought about starting for a vacation. But, how would I be able to walk to the plane at the airport, if I can't even walk to the car? I would have to reserve atleast 3hours to get there. Then again, if I would a wheelchair, that time wouldn't be needed, but would I be able to get from place to place with it? On location it probably would be next to impossible, there are always staircases and other obstacles in the way. If only people would stop and think from a disabled persons objective and recognize the flaws in their surroundings. That would be called equality, unfortunately utopia.
Next week the kids are on holiday, and we'll start to Helsinki by the latest on Thursday morning. Hopefully it wouldn't be this cold, so that they could ski outside alot! Or just play in the snow, or build a snowman or anything as long as the activity is outside.
On Sunday, if it's not as cold as today, we'll take part in a skiing contest nearby. Let's see how things turn out.
We went to a birthday party on Wednesday, Finlands first Brasilianterrier Chiquita do Taboao had her 14th Birthday. When we entered the room, she came and greeted us warmly. As she did to everyone else as well. She certainly could make her guests feel welcome! I had baked cakes to this party, and was very pleased when the cakes were almost eaten up.
It still is very very cold, again. It's snowing, again. For the first time in my life, I want to go south for a while. I want to be in the sun for a week. And then the minute I arrive to a place the sun shines, I have to go the shade :D
Maybe it's better not to take a vacation under the sun, this coldness would probably feel much worse afterwards. Or then just the opposite. Maybe changing the area could make one tolerate this weather better?
I could very well picture myself on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean, the sun is shining from a clear sky. The water is deep blue, and the waves wash gently on a white shore. Behind me is a person playing the steel drum, people dancing around and singing along. There I am, underneath a palm tree, a cool soda bottle waiting to refresh me. Wishful thinking, I know.
To come back to reality, I've often thought about starting for a vacation. But, how would I be able to walk to the plane at the airport, if I can't even walk to the car? I would have to reserve atleast 3hours to get there. Then again, if I would a wheelchair, that time wouldn't be needed, but would I be able to get from place to place with it? On location it probably would be next to impossible, there are always staircases and other obstacles in the way. If only people would stop and think from a disabled persons objective and recognize the flaws in their surroundings. That would be called equality, unfortunately utopia.
Next week the kids are on holiday, and we'll start to Helsinki by the latest on Thursday morning. Hopefully it wouldn't be this cold, so that they could ski outside alot! Or just play in the snow, or build a snowman or anything as long as the activity is outside.
On Sunday, if it's not as cold as today, we'll take part in a skiing contest nearby. Let's see how things turn out.
2010/02/16
Good news
Facebook is amazing - yesterday a very dear friend from my childhood was found! Or she found me, to say it correctly. We continued where we left for about 20years ago?
We had summer cottages next to each other, so every day during the summer we'd play together. One day I remember especially well - I had been to Helsinki for the day, and I was to come to home with a bus, and she'd come to meet me at the busstop. I was late for the bus, and so I had to take the following one. In those days, there were ne mobilephones so I couldn't inform her that I was late. When I arrived an hour later, there she was standing at the busstop, waiting for me. It was pouring and she had no umbrella, but she stood there, waiting. That is what I call a friend!
The medication I've had for two months is working now. My pain has eased, and now I hope that it would start to affect positively to my walking, in other words I hope that I could walk without pain longer. Next week we'll be in Helsinki for atleast a day, I want to meet up with my friends, but how can I do that if I can't walk. Well, I have to take my walking aid with me.
It feels so humiliating having to walk around with that walking aid. I feel so old and disable. But, once the pain begins I feel very lucky to have somewhere to sit and wait 'til the pain eases up.
When I've used to aid in shops for example, people first stare at me and then it seems they start to pity me. Now I know for a fact, how it feels to be stared at. I should carry a billboard on me, which states: I have Buerger's Disease. It is a rare bloodvessels disease, which cannot be treated. Please, do not smoke if you want to stay healthy. Would that stop them from staring or just make it worse?
Tomorrow is a very special day. Finlands first Terrier Brasileiro or Fox Paulistinha, celebrates her 17th birthday. I was honored to be asked to bake a few cakes to the party :)
The week has started with good news, hopefully it continues good as well!
We had summer cottages next to each other, so every day during the summer we'd play together. One day I remember especially well - I had been to Helsinki for the day, and I was to come to home with a bus, and she'd come to meet me at the busstop. I was late for the bus, and so I had to take the following one. In those days, there were ne mobilephones so I couldn't inform her that I was late. When I arrived an hour later, there she was standing at the busstop, waiting for me. It was pouring and she had no umbrella, but she stood there, waiting. That is what I call a friend!
The medication I've had for two months is working now. My pain has eased, and now I hope that it would start to affect positively to my walking, in other words I hope that I could walk without pain longer. Next week we'll be in Helsinki for atleast a day, I want to meet up with my friends, but how can I do that if I can't walk. Well, I have to take my walking aid with me.
It feels so humiliating having to walk around with that walking aid. I feel so old and disable. But, once the pain begins I feel very lucky to have somewhere to sit and wait 'til the pain eases up.
When I've used to aid in shops for example, people first stare at me and then it seems they start to pity me. Now I know for a fact, how it feels to be stared at. I should carry a billboard on me, which states: I have Buerger's Disease. It is a rare bloodvessels disease, which cannot be treated. Please, do not smoke if you want to stay healthy. Would that stop them from staring or just make it worse?
Tomorrow is a very special day. Finlands first Terrier Brasileiro or Fox Paulistinha, celebrates her 17th birthday. I was honored to be asked to bake a few cakes to the party :)
The week has started with good news, hopefully it continues good as well!
2010/02/12
Hyvää Ystävänpäivää! Happy Valentines' Day!
Home alone... almost.
It has been over a week now since I last used my crutches. It doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt, but I do not need them to be able to walk, and we have chairs all over downstairs, so that I can sit down when I can't walk or stand anymore.
My appetite is back as well. I've eaten real food twice already this week, and breakfast almost every morning. That's something worth mentioning, normally I'm not hungry in the morning and I'm used to eat first when the kids come from school.
The sun is shining today and I'd love to go outside for awhile. Maybe I'll start to tidy up our terrace, it's odd how in the winter things just multiply themselves when there's no-one to move them to the correct place. Just the same as the clothes seem to diminish in size during the winter.
Looking forward to the summer, just can't wait to be at our summer cottage. There we can swim and enjoy the warm days outside. Some work is also on our schedule, the forest needs some attention as well. Well, alot of work has to be done here aswell. But if I could choose, I'd be at the cottage the whole time we have company from our neighbours. Unless we can block the view in some way. Soon the gardening programs are to be shown on tv, maybe we'll receive some kind of inspiration how to be able to do this.
Sunday is Valentines' Day. I sent a message to my wife on Facebook <3
I have been blessed to have such a wonderful and loving spouse. We have been married for about five years now, and our love just grows stronger and deeper day by day. And we truly have been through some tough times as well as the good times.
We were introduced through a mutual friend, and our first date was something you wouldn't forget easily. It was clear from the beginning that we are meant for each other. Would you belive it, we got married only 9 months after our first date!
In Finland, we don't celebrate Valentines' Day the same way it's celebrated in the States. Here we call it Ystävänpäivä (Friends' Day) and send cards and salutations to friends.
So Hyvää Ystävänpäivää! Happy Valentines' Day!
It has been over a week now since I last used my crutches. It doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt, but I do not need them to be able to walk, and we have chairs all over downstairs, so that I can sit down when I can't walk or stand anymore.
My appetite is back as well. I've eaten real food twice already this week, and breakfast almost every morning. That's something worth mentioning, normally I'm not hungry in the morning and I'm used to eat first when the kids come from school.
The sun is shining today and I'd love to go outside for awhile. Maybe I'll start to tidy up our terrace, it's odd how in the winter things just multiply themselves when there's no-one to move them to the correct place. Just the same as the clothes seem to diminish in size during the winter.
Looking forward to the summer, just can't wait to be at our summer cottage. There we can swim and enjoy the warm days outside. Some work is also on our schedule, the forest needs some attention as well. Well, alot of work has to be done here aswell. But if I could choose, I'd be at the cottage the whole time we have company from our neighbours. Unless we can block the view in some way. Soon the gardening programs are to be shown on tv, maybe we'll receive some kind of inspiration how to be able to do this.
Sunday is Valentines' Day. I sent a message to my wife on Facebook <3
I have been blessed to have such a wonderful and loving spouse. We have been married for about five years now, and our love just grows stronger and deeper day by day. And we truly have been through some tough times as well as the good times.
We were introduced through a mutual friend, and our first date was something you wouldn't forget easily. It was clear from the beginning that we are meant for each other. Would you belive it, we got married only 9 months after our first date!
In Finland, we don't celebrate Valentines' Day the same way it's celebrated in the States. Here we call it Ystävänpäivä (Friends' Day) and send cards and salutations to friends.
So Hyvää Ystävänpäivää! Happy Valentines' Day!
2010/02/09
Bon Jovi
So... today when I opened my email, there was a mail from Bon Jovi :) The same mail as everyone in the Bon Jovi-fan club, but anyway - three nights in London, two concerts at o2, tea and questions with Jon Bon Jovi - all this for a small price of 2095$
What I would do to be able to take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity, but could this be real? No, money is always the issue. If we have just enough money to pay the bills and get food on the table, there is no possibility for me to see the person, who has been my idol since 1985, 25years!
When I was a teenager, I dreamt about going to a Bon Jovi-concert and that Jon would just pick someone from the audience (and it would be me) to sing a duet (Never Say Goodbye or Silent Night) with him on the stage. I'd sing so beautifully that after the concert he'd sign me up to make a demo. The demo would be a success, and I'd make a record and tour the world with Bon Jovi as their opening act. But one thing differs me from most of the fans, I never even once dreamed about being Mrs.Bongiovi.
I've gone through a lot of feelings when listening to BonJovi. After the concert in Helsinki in 2008, it felt like it was the last time they would see them perform live, and the following day I just cried and cried.
Songs like Woman in Love, Love for Sale or Bad Medicine bring a smile to my face. Listening to the album New Jersey makes me rememeber the time I was dealing out newspapers, taking the elevator to the top floor, running down the stairs whilst listening to BonJovi with my Sony Walkman :) If you ran too fast, the cassette would start to jump, it was a result of trial and error 'til you found the perfect pace and could listen without interruptions.
When we got married, I thought of singing Without Love for my wife. The duet with LeAnn Rimes left me with goose bumps. I played this song atleast ten times in a row and tears just ran down my face.
I have two equal goals
1. meet Jon Bon Jovi and discuss with him civilized
2. be a guest on The Ellen Show and talk with Ellen DeGeneres about Buergers and help to raise awareness to Buergers
I say these targets aloud, maybe now they will be reality within this year?
What I would do to be able to take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity, but could this be real? No, money is always the issue. If we have just enough money to pay the bills and get food on the table, there is no possibility for me to see the person, who has been my idol since 1985, 25years!
When I was a teenager, I dreamt about going to a Bon Jovi-concert and that Jon would just pick someone from the audience (and it would be me) to sing a duet (Never Say Goodbye or Silent Night) with him on the stage. I'd sing so beautifully that after the concert he'd sign me up to make a demo. The demo would be a success, and I'd make a record and tour the world with Bon Jovi as their opening act. But one thing differs me from most of the fans, I never even once dreamed about being Mrs.Bongiovi.
I've gone through a lot of feelings when listening to BonJovi. After the concert in Helsinki in 2008, it felt like it was the last time they would see them perform live, and the following day I just cried and cried.
Songs like Woman in Love, Love for Sale or Bad Medicine bring a smile to my face. Listening to the album New Jersey makes me rememeber the time I was dealing out newspapers, taking the elevator to the top floor, running down the stairs whilst listening to BonJovi with my Sony Walkman :) If you ran too fast, the cassette would start to jump, it was a result of trial and error 'til you found the perfect pace and could listen without interruptions.
When we got married, I thought of singing Without Love for my wife. The duet with LeAnn Rimes left me with goose bumps. I played this song atleast ten times in a row and tears just ran down my face.
It might be hard to be lovers
But it's harder to be friends
Baby, pull down the covers
It's time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
I'll just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Don't you think its time we say
Some things we haven't said
It ain't too late to get back to that place
Back to where, we thought it was before
Why don't you look at me
Till we ain't strangers anymore
Sometimes it's hard to love me
Sometimes it's hard to love you too
I know it's hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life
With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
It's hard to find forgiveness
When we just turn out the light
It's hard to say you're sorry
When you can't tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So let's get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
I have two equal goals
1. meet Jon Bon Jovi and discuss with him civilized
2. be a guest on The Ellen Show and talk with Ellen DeGeneres about Buergers and help to raise awareness to Buergers
I say these targets aloud, maybe now they will be reality within this year?
2010/02/08
Something to look forward to
Monday morning, I slept until 11. In a way that's good, all of my debts are paid for this way. But the day just seems to be so short.
This weekend I didn't use my crutches a single time! I bit my lip and just kept walking, sat down and rested for a while. Some progress has been done indeed. My energylevel is still very very low, and my mood is somewhat sad.
We went to a fleamarket on Saturday, it was wonderful to see some people and to go outside these four walls. My oldest daughter helped me with my walking aid, she carried them up and down the stairs. A pair of skates, couple of shirts, pair of jeans, Transformers-DVD, a skirt and a PartyLite-candle was bought. Our birthday girl found a Barbie and a pink castle and purchased them as a present, she received mail from her Godparents with some cash in order for her to buy something for herself.
This week is somewhat special. Tomorrow we'll have a Winterfest at school, there'll be program, and a sleighride! At the end of this week my son will take part in the filming of a "commercial" or a spot, depending on the definition. And then on Saturday we'll take part in a meeting, it'll be intresting how things turn out.
So something to look forward to this week :)
This weekend I didn't use my crutches a single time! I bit my lip and just kept walking, sat down and rested for a while. Some progress has been done indeed. My energylevel is still very very low, and my mood is somewhat sad.
We went to a fleamarket on Saturday, it was wonderful to see some people and to go outside these four walls. My oldest daughter helped me with my walking aid, she carried them up and down the stairs. A pair of skates, couple of shirts, pair of jeans, Transformers-DVD, a skirt and a PartyLite-candle was bought. Our birthday girl found a Barbie and a pink castle and purchased them as a present, she received mail from her Godparents with some cash in order for her to buy something for herself.
This week is somewhat special. Tomorrow we'll have a Winterfest at school, there'll be program, and a sleighride! At the end of this week my son will take part in the filming of a "commercial" or a spot, depending on the definition. And then on Saturday we'll take part in a meeting, it'll be intresting how things turn out.
So something to look forward to this week :)
2010/02/04
Tired, so very tired
Thursday should be full of hope, but I'm so tired, I can't find positive in this day. Well okay, outside isn't freezing anymore and it's not snowing but I really don't have the energy to think about things I'm not able to enjoy over.
She's like the wind from Dirty Dancing is playing on my computer, brings back good memories from the time I was totally unaware the cruel world and was sheltered by my parents, sister, teachers and friends. There were no cares in the world, maybe the one thing which most made me anxious was what to wear so that someone I had a crush on would notice me. Other than that I didn't have to worry about anything. I had it well. A good home, wonderful family and friends, strict but caring teachers. Even though, now when I look back to my school years, I had only one friend - until she changed schools in the fourth grade. Ofcourse I had friends, but not friends who would be very close.
Still today I remember the phone call, she didn't come to school the first day of school after the Christmas holiday. I thought she was ill, and wrote all the homework down very careful, so that she would be able to do them at home. After school she phoned me, and immediately I started to tell her the homework and she interrupted me and told that she had started at another school. Did I cry on the phone, that I don't remember, but my heart broke. Since then, I never found a similar BFF.
Still hope to go on a holiday, still I'm fed up with these walls.
Yesterday I was able to wash the dishes without having to sit down in between. But, during the evening, my feet were aching regardless the pain medication. So the question is - if this new medication allows me to do things without pain but the pain is double afterwards, which is better?
Maybe tomorrow is a better day.
She's like the wind from Dirty Dancing is playing on my computer, brings back good memories from the time I was totally unaware the cruel world and was sheltered by my parents, sister, teachers and friends. There were no cares in the world, maybe the one thing which most made me anxious was what to wear so that someone I had a crush on would notice me. Other than that I didn't have to worry about anything. I had it well. A good home, wonderful family and friends, strict but caring teachers. Even though, now when I look back to my school years, I had only one friend - until she changed schools in the fourth grade. Ofcourse I had friends, but not friends who would be very close.
Still today I remember the phone call, she didn't come to school the first day of school after the Christmas holiday. I thought she was ill, and wrote all the homework down very careful, so that she would be able to do them at home. After school she phoned me, and immediately I started to tell her the homework and she interrupted me and told that she had started at another school. Did I cry on the phone, that I don't remember, but my heart broke. Since then, I never found a similar BFF.
Still hope to go on a holiday, still I'm fed up with these walls.
Yesterday I was able to wash the dishes without having to sit down in between. But, during the evening, my feet were aching regardless the pain medication. So the question is - if this new medication allows me to do things without pain but the pain is double afterwards, which is better?
Maybe tomorrow is a better day.
2010/02/02
Birthday again
Today, my princess has her 7th Birthday. We celebrated already on Sunday, ate with no haste and had dessert as well, yummy :)
It's snowing, again. Last night it snowed about 10cm atleast, and once again the road had to be plowed. My spouse had to rearrange her work, because the plowtractor couldn't come earlier. Our road is supposedly last on the priority list, because we're the only occupants here within 1km radius. That's the price to pay for living in the peace and quiet of the countryside.
I would so much want to go for a holiday with my family. Extended family. 9 persons. But... who will look after our dogs, cats and house. And what about my parent's dog and house. Not to mention the money needed. But I'm so fed up with these walls. Outside is so much snow I can't move at all, and it's so cold as well that I have to stay inside all time. All the time.
People who are healthy can not understand how it feels to be stuck inside. If we would live in the city, maybe I would be able to move around by myself, but during the winter here - no chance. Our car is parked right outside the outer door, but getting there is quite a challenge you don't want to make the effort unless it's a must. I hate this! I just have to accept the fact there is no holiday for me.
Today my goal is to take a few pictures and post them here. Let's see how things go.
It's snowing, again. Last night it snowed about 10cm atleast, and once again the road had to be plowed. My spouse had to rearrange her work, because the plowtractor couldn't come earlier. Our road is supposedly last on the priority list, because we're the only occupants here within 1km radius. That's the price to pay for living in the peace and quiet of the countryside.
I would so much want to go for a holiday with my family. Extended family. 9 persons. But... who will look after our dogs, cats and house. And what about my parent's dog and house. Not to mention the money needed. But I'm so fed up with these walls. Outside is so much snow I can't move at all, and it's so cold as well that I have to stay inside all time. All the time.
People who are healthy can not understand how it feels to be stuck inside. If we would live in the city, maybe I would be able to move around by myself, but during the winter here - no chance. Our car is parked right outside the outer door, but getting there is quite a challenge you don't want to make the effort unless it's a must. I hate this! I just have to accept the fact there is no holiday for me.
Today my goal is to take a few pictures and post them here. Let's see how things go.
2010/01/30
ENMG-results
Saturday morning, peaceful and quiet. No wait, that has to be somewhere else rather than here... But I don't mind att all, they keep up with positive noise and are not fighting and bickering about everything.
On Friday I had my ENMG-examination of my hands. As my physician said on the phone, sounds like something is crushing the nerves and so it is. On the right the condition is worse and has to operated on as soon as possible. Fortunately or unfortunately on the left only a minor change was to be noticed, and therefor it is necessary to use a support at nights to keep it straight and to monitor the situation for the time being.
The operation in itself is no big thing, quite rutine. But recovering is another issue. For three-four days you may not use your hand at all. And that means AT ALL. No writing, no lifting, no bending. If I could walk, this wouldn't be a problem, but since I need my crutches or my walking aid, it becomes a problem. We talked about it for quite some time, but didn't come to a conclusion how to proceed. On the other side of the scale are my feet - there are no guarantees they ever will get better and that I could manage without assisitive devices. And the other side of the scale is tipped by my hands - they should be operated. Maybe next week I'll know.
It was sooooo close that a few friends would have come for coffee. I had set the table already, the coffee and tea was brewing and a cake was waiting for eaters. When warming up this house, I'd lit the wooden stove as well, so there was warm soup waiting for everyone. A car turned on our road and then pooof... it got stuck!!! My spouse drove behind them and they got the car loose, but there was too much snow in the way and the plowman was busy plowing the other roads. So they had to turn around and drive away :( But, it's the thought that counts.
As you may see, the counter is set on the right side. I got a wonderful email from a Friend, who gave me the link - thank you ever so much.
So, even if it may seem on the darkest moment of the day you should have no light in your life - just pause for a while. The light is bound to come back brighter than ever :)
On Friday I had my ENMG-examination of my hands. As my physician said on the phone, sounds like something is crushing the nerves and so it is. On the right the condition is worse and has to operated on as soon as possible. Fortunately or unfortunately on the left only a minor change was to be noticed, and therefor it is necessary to use a support at nights to keep it straight and to monitor the situation for the time being.
The operation in itself is no big thing, quite rutine. But recovering is another issue. For three-four days you may not use your hand at all. And that means AT ALL. No writing, no lifting, no bending. If I could walk, this wouldn't be a problem, but since I need my crutches or my walking aid, it becomes a problem. We talked about it for quite some time, but didn't come to a conclusion how to proceed. On the other side of the scale are my feet - there are no guarantees they ever will get better and that I could manage without assisitive devices. And the other side of the scale is tipped by my hands - they should be operated. Maybe next week I'll know.
It was sooooo close that a few friends would have come for coffee. I had set the table already, the coffee and tea was brewing and a cake was waiting for eaters. When warming up this house, I'd lit the wooden stove as well, so there was warm soup waiting for everyone. A car turned on our road and then pooof... it got stuck!!! My spouse drove behind them and they got the car loose, but there was too much snow in the way and the plowman was busy plowing the other roads. So they had to turn around and drive away :( But, it's the thought that counts.
As you may see, the counter is set on the right side. I got a wonderful email from a Friend, who gave me the link - thank you ever so much.
So, even if it may seem on the darkest moment of the day you should have no light in your life - just pause for a while. The light is bound to come back brighter than ever :)
2010/01/28
Thursday, full of hope?
Hope that no-one got offended about yesterdays blurt of feelings. It's quite amazing what a few hours of listening to goog music (=Bon Jovi) can do. Still, I do miss having friends over for coffee etc. but it didn't feel as bad as it did whilst I was writing that entry.
Had a shower today, I was able to stand in the shower almost until it was time to rinse the shampoo. So some success, previously I couldn't get my hair even moist before the pain was so severe I had to sit down on a chair I have to have with me in the shower. Found myself yesterday walking as near to normal as possible without crutches, and then during the night it got back to me - the pain in my heel and toe was something awful and once again I had to take extra pain medicine.
When you add to this equasion a terrible bed the result is an ill slept night. And no, we can't buy a new bed. We bought a new mattress pad last fall, lets say that 50%of the ones using it are satisfied, and that 50% does not include me :) I seem to be similar as my son, he doesn't want to sleep in the bed at all, according to him the floor is a much better place to sleep.
My assignment for today is to find a counter for this page, let's see if I succeed.
Had a shower today, I was able to stand in the shower almost until it was time to rinse the shampoo. So some success, previously I couldn't get my hair even moist before the pain was so severe I had to sit down on a chair I have to have with me in the shower. Found myself yesterday walking as near to normal as possible without crutches, and then during the night it got back to me - the pain in my heel and toe was something awful and once again I had to take extra pain medicine.
When you add to this equasion a terrible bed the result is an ill slept night. And no, we can't buy a new bed. We bought a new mattress pad last fall, lets say that 50%of the ones using it are satisfied, and that 50% does not include me :) I seem to be similar as my son, he doesn't want to sleep in the bed at all, according to him the floor is a much better place to sleep.
My assignment for today is to find a counter for this page, let's see if I succeed.
2010/01/27
Feeling sad today
Today on Wednesday, feeling much much better. My fever rose up to 38,5 and the only thing I could do was to shiver under all the blankets and hope that it would pass.
While browsing through Facebook this morning I found a group called The Finnish Pain association (tranlated freely) in Finnish Suomen Kipu ry. After a few clicks, I found their own website, and there read that people who suffer from chronic pain, often have changes in their social network and that even the most active person can become reclusive. Really? That I can underline 100%! Previously I took part in many organisations on my freetime. I was the chairman of a Parent association and of the local Red Cross; a member of the board of our local "village organisation", the Entrepreneur Association as well as LounaPlussa. Nowadays I still am the chairman of the Parent Association. Nowadays I still am with the parent association and of the entrepreneur organisation, but I only work about 1/10 of my previous activity.
I loved to have family and friends come over for dinner or a cup of coffee, as a matter of fact I still do, but only a few people have the time. It has been a long time since we have been invited to visit anyone, fortunately we have one very dear friend with whom we interact quite much. Besides her and my family - there is no-one. This makes me so sad, but what am I to do? I'm not able to drive the car anymore, so I can't get up and whizz myself away. We live in the middle of nowhere, so it is hard and timetaking for someone to come visit us, usually you have to reserve a whole day to come here, and who in this busy world can waste an entire day on us, when even a phonecall every once in a while (once every five years?) is too much to ask?
I can't even remember the last time the phone would ring and on the other end would be a friend. And it can't rely that I wouldn't have had contact with my friends, I used to phone up them often, but if I'm not the one to take the initiative, my friends seem to be too caught up to do so. Onesided communication doesn't last long. This is what I have found out the hard way.
It's no use to use up your energy and arrange a party, invite lots of people to come. Plan for weeks ahead, create a menu that takes into consideration everyones taste, dislikes and allergies. Buy and prepare the meals and make beds for the guests to sleep in. And then, a day before or even on the same day - textmessages start to beep - Sorry, can't come. Sorry, my hamster is feeling ill. Sorry, neighbour asked to water his plants. And the result is that maybe one or two arrive (and always the same one or two people, to whom I am very thankful), ofcourse we'll have a wonderful time! To the outside world I'll show a happy face, but inside my heart is breaking. What have I done to deserve this as well. Something bad, has to be.
Things change, people change, situations change. I know that. But I don't have to like it. I want to enjoy life, spend time with my friends, laugh until every last bit of trouble has been vanished. Instead, I have to sit at home, and if I'm lucky I have the chance to read a few lines in Facebook what my friends have done. If you could see my front page - you'd never believe I have 120 friends of whom everyones' news are to be published...
What should I do? Force my friends? No use. Maybe the only thing left to do is to just silently approve of my situation. I hope that (if someone is reading this) you did not get the idea that I don't appreciate my family or that I wouldn't enjoy their company, that's totally bogus! I love my family so much, words can't even begin to describe how much. Without my family - I would have nothing.
While browsing through Facebook this morning I found a group called The Finnish Pain association (tranlated freely) in Finnish Suomen Kipu ry. After a few clicks, I found their own website, and there read that people who suffer from chronic pain, often have changes in their social network and that even the most active person can become reclusive. Really? That I can underline 100%! Previously I took part in many organisations on my freetime. I was the chairman of a Parent association and of the local Red Cross; a member of the board of our local "village organisation", the Entrepreneur Association as well as LounaPlussa. Nowadays I still am the chairman of the Parent Association. Nowadays I still am with the parent association and of the entrepreneur organisation, but I only work about 1/10 of my previous activity.
I loved to have family and friends come over for dinner or a cup of coffee, as a matter of fact I still do, but only a few people have the time. It has been a long time since we have been invited to visit anyone, fortunately we have one very dear friend with whom we interact quite much. Besides her and my family - there is no-one. This makes me so sad, but what am I to do? I'm not able to drive the car anymore, so I can't get up and whizz myself away. We live in the middle of nowhere, so it is hard and timetaking for someone to come visit us, usually you have to reserve a whole day to come here, and who in this busy world can waste an entire day on us, when even a phonecall every once in a while (once every five years?) is too much to ask?
I can't even remember the last time the phone would ring and on the other end would be a friend. And it can't rely that I wouldn't have had contact with my friends, I used to phone up them often, but if I'm not the one to take the initiative, my friends seem to be too caught up to do so. Onesided communication doesn't last long. This is what I have found out the hard way.
It's no use to use up your energy and arrange a party, invite lots of people to come. Plan for weeks ahead, create a menu that takes into consideration everyones taste, dislikes and allergies. Buy and prepare the meals and make beds for the guests to sleep in. And then, a day before or even on the same day - textmessages start to beep - Sorry, can't come. Sorry, my hamster is feeling ill. Sorry, neighbour asked to water his plants. And the result is that maybe one or two arrive (and always the same one or two people, to whom I am very thankful), ofcourse we'll have a wonderful time! To the outside world I'll show a happy face, but inside my heart is breaking. What have I done to deserve this as well. Something bad, has to be.
Things change, people change, situations change. I know that. But I don't have to like it. I want to enjoy life, spend time with my friends, laugh until every last bit of trouble has been vanished. Instead, I have to sit at home, and if I'm lucky I have the chance to read a few lines in Facebook what my friends have done. If you could see my front page - you'd never believe I have 120 friends of whom everyones' news are to be published...
What should I do? Force my friends? No use. Maybe the only thing left to do is to just silently approve of my situation. I hope that (if someone is reading this) you did not get the idea that I don't appreciate my family or that I wouldn't enjoy their company, that's totally bogus! I love my family so much, words can't even begin to describe how much. Without my family - I would have nothing.
2010/01/25
Monday - sickness
Oh what a feeling :(
I caught a stomach flue and I'm throwing up a bit too much. Last Thursday my youngest had to stay home from pre-school due to this same illness, and my oldest daughter threw up while staying overnight with my sister. And now I have this awful, annoying but luckily passing condition.
On Saturday we were in Helsinki to celebrate my Mother's Birthday. We had a very delicious meal at MammaRosa, we all enjoyed ourselves. From there we drove to my parents house and had a cup of tea, and later I worked a bit with my father with some bookkeeping. The kids had the opportunity to stay overnight with my sister, they went to see a movie and had enjoyed theirselves. On Sunday they were supposed to go slalom-skiing, but it was way to cold so instead they messed about in Hämeenlinna at HopLop. By the time they arrived at home, they were sooooo tired that they just lay about for the rest of the evening.
So this morning has been nauseous, normally I would not use powerful words such as love or hate, but in this case I truly hate throwing up. I feel so drained up, and I don't have the energy to do anything else but to stay in bed, but not feel sorry for myself :)
We lost our nerves with Canal Digital today, they tried to trick us to pay extra, so we changed our satellite-dish deliverer to Viasat, and got double the channels and it cost the same. When will we have time to watch these channels, that's another issue.
My hands are feeling much better now that it's colder, but my walking is still shorter day by day. The more I walk, the shorter the distance is. Maybe I should start to think about a wheelchair, the walking aid is not enough anymore. I have to stop every few minutes, and the journey just gets prolonged. But if I sit in a wheelchair, maybe then I would enjoy a trip to the store for example. My lips are all filled with bitemarks as I bite my lip with every step, what could I bite instead?
Tomorrow is the birthday of Ellen DeGeneres - Happy Birthday :)
We have been watching the show ever since it started to air in Finland - Valentines Day last year. She is a caring big-hearted woman, from whom I am inspired to stay positive and always find the good side of things. So Ellen, if you read this - Thank You! (As if it would be possible for her to find this page amongst millions and millions of pages, but you never know --> a good example of positive thinking...)
Now I have to tuck myself to bed again and hope that when I wake up I'd feel alot better.
I caught a stomach flue and I'm throwing up a bit too much. Last Thursday my youngest had to stay home from pre-school due to this same illness, and my oldest daughter threw up while staying overnight with my sister. And now I have this awful, annoying but luckily passing condition.
On Saturday we were in Helsinki to celebrate my Mother's Birthday. We had a very delicious meal at MammaRosa, we all enjoyed ourselves. From there we drove to my parents house and had a cup of tea, and later I worked a bit with my father with some bookkeeping. The kids had the opportunity to stay overnight with my sister, they went to see a movie and had enjoyed theirselves. On Sunday they were supposed to go slalom-skiing, but it was way to cold so instead they messed about in Hämeenlinna at HopLop. By the time they arrived at home, they were sooooo tired that they just lay about for the rest of the evening.
So this morning has been nauseous, normally I would not use powerful words such as love or hate, but in this case I truly hate throwing up. I feel so drained up, and I don't have the energy to do anything else but to stay in bed, but not feel sorry for myself :)
We lost our nerves with Canal Digital today, they tried to trick us to pay extra, so we changed our satellite-dish deliverer to Viasat, and got double the channels and it cost the same. When will we have time to watch these channels, that's another issue.
My hands are feeling much better now that it's colder, but my walking is still shorter day by day. The more I walk, the shorter the distance is. Maybe I should start to think about a wheelchair, the walking aid is not enough anymore. I have to stop every few minutes, and the journey just gets prolonged. But if I sit in a wheelchair, maybe then I would enjoy a trip to the store for example. My lips are all filled with bitemarks as I bite my lip with every step, what could I bite instead?
Tomorrow is the birthday of Ellen DeGeneres - Happy Birthday :)
We have been watching the show ever since it started to air in Finland - Valentines Day last year. She is a caring big-hearted woman, from whom I am inspired to stay positive and always find the good side of things. So Ellen, if you read this - Thank You! (As if it would be possible for her to find this page amongst millions and millions of pages, but you never know --> a good example of positive thinking...)
Now I have to tuck myself to bed again and hope that when I wake up I'd feel alot better.
2010/01/22
Freezing Friday
It really is freezing outside, -13,4 degrees Celcius. This winter we have snow much more than we have had the previous years counted together. Only three times this year have I been outside, and this includes the porch. So in a way it's just the same for me how cold or how warm the weather is. Inside we have it warm and cozy, we use the baking oven to heat the house and sometimes I even cook food with it.
Last night was awful - the pain in my hands was something I hadn't felt for a few weeks, I could sleep for 3hours and then I'd have to get up and try to get the numbness from my hands to reside. My stomach is aching alot, I can't stand up straight. Please don't let this be the appendix! It will pass, I hope that's the least of my worries.
Yesterday my "pain-doctor" phoned me as scheduled, we are going to reduce one of my painmedicines, she was very satisfied with my well-being :)
Today is a really painful day, I don't have the energy to do anything. Tomorrow we are going to be in Helsinki to celebrate my mothers birthday, so maybe on Sunday I'll write again.
Have a nice weekend, enjoy yourselves :)
Last night was awful - the pain in my hands was something I hadn't felt for a few weeks, I could sleep for 3hours and then I'd have to get up and try to get the numbness from my hands to reside. My stomach is aching alot, I can't stand up straight. Please don't let this be the appendix! It will pass, I hope that's the least of my worries.
Yesterday my "pain-doctor" phoned me as scheduled, we are going to reduce one of my painmedicines, she was very satisfied with my well-being :)
Today is a really painful day, I don't have the energy to do anything. Tomorrow we are going to be in Helsinki to celebrate my mothers birthday, so maybe on Sunday I'll write again.
Have a nice weekend, enjoy yourselves :)
2010/01/21
Disability Pension
So, I am officially a pensioner at the age of 35...
Yesterday the mail delivered the judgement and it was positive. For the time being it is paid as rehabilitation aid, until the end of July. But supposedly the pension will continue after that.
Seems so awful, in a way I had hoped that the decision would be negative so that there would be a slight chance for me to work full-time again, but maybe it's better this way. I may work part time alongside this pension and earn up to 600€ per month, wuhuuu :) Maybe the bloodvessels repair themselves and I may walk again without having to sit down every 100meters? Maybe this all is just a bad dream and I'll wake up sweaty in my own bed beside my wife, she'll hug me and ask: "Is everything alright, my love?", and I'd say; "Yes dear, everything is fine". And then we would go on a long long walk with the dogs in the forest, just the two of us holding hands as we walk.
It has been almost a year since I have worn TWO shoes, all of my shoes have only one pair in the hall, the left pair is packed away upstairs. About eight months ago I could go on a walk with our dogs. But maybe the worst is that it has been way over a year since I had a day without pain. Nowadays I don't think where it hurts, only how much. I hate to wake up in the mornings, they are the worst. I can't even get dressed without excruciating pain. Luckily, the pain subsides in a few hours. Mornings have always been hard for me, and then you add the pain and the result is that I am pretty much left alone until I myself start talking, then everyone knows the pain has eased up.
I am very thankful for my family. The word "family" is a collective word for me - not only my wife and children are included, but also my parents and sister as well as her girlfriend. Each and everyone of them does their best to support me in my battle, without them I probably would be moping around all day wellowing in self pity.
And to end this days writing with a positive touch, I just read from facebook that a dear friend of mine is getting married next summer - from the bottom of my heart, I hope all the best for them <3
Yesterday the mail delivered the judgement and it was positive. For the time being it is paid as rehabilitation aid, until the end of July. But supposedly the pension will continue after that.
Seems so awful, in a way I had hoped that the decision would be negative so that there would be a slight chance for me to work full-time again, but maybe it's better this way. I may work part time alongside this pension and earn up to 600€ per month, wuhuuu :) Maybe the bloodvessels repair themselves and I may walk again without having to sit down every 100meters? Maybe this all is just a bad dream and I'll wake up sweaty in my own bed beside my wife, she'll hug me and ask: "Is everything alright, my love?", and I'd say; "Yes dear, everything is fine". And then we would go on a long long walk with the dogs in the forest, just the two of us holding hands as we walk.
It has been almost a year since I have worn TWO shoes, all of my shoes have only one pair in the hall, the left pair is packed away upstairs. About eight months ago I could go on a walk with our dogs. But maybe the worst is that it has been way over a year since I had a day without pain. Nowadays I don't think where it hurts, only how much. I hate to wake up in the mornings, they are the worst. I can't even get dressed without excruciating pain. Luckily, the pain subsides in a few hours. Mornings have always been hard for me, and then you add the pain and the result is that I am pretty much left alone until I myself start talking, then everyone knows the pain has eased up.
I am very thankful for my family. The word "family" is a collective word for me - not only my wife and children are included, but also my parents and sister as well as her girlfriend. Each and everyone of them does their best to support me in my battle, without them I probably would be moping around all day wellowing in self pity.
And to end this days writing with a positive touch, I just read from facebook that a dear friend of mine is getting married next summer - from the bottom of my heart, I hope all the best for them <3
2010/01/20
Mom's Birthday :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!
Outside is freezing, about -15C. Yesterday the kids were iceskating for about two hours with a couple of their friends, it was wonderful to watch them enjoy themselves. My youngest has just learned how to iceskate, and she was the last child on ice. When she was alone on ice, she skated around singing: "The whole ice is mine, just mine. Mine alone I may skate around.." and then she fell, and laughed along with others :) What a possible way of thinking, maybe I have done somethings the right way in raising my children.
Last night I slept for 12hours, the new medicine is finally starting to work. Well obviously, because now for the first time in about a year I have the energy to do something else than sit and think how to change my position so it would hurt the least. Still I wonder why, maybe because now I may be at home when my children come home from school?
Oh, school, don't get me started on that! The community we are living in, are going to save some money and one of the teachers at our school has to go! So, there are going to be only two teachers left and 41 students. And since the school in question are the lower classes, it would be very important to have the basics well taught. But no, supposedly the school will be divided in two, so that the first and second grade are together (15 students) and then from the third to the sixth grade (26 students) will be together.
Even today the children have to do the exercises themselves and check the answers on their own. No-one has the time to double check. There should be no problem with this system, but there is - the children are in such a hurry for recess, they just hastily check the results, or in worst case copy the correct answers. And if the answer differs from what they have got, they just erase and write the right answer instead, and don't even wonder how it would be done correctly!!!
Not everyone has parents like me, everyday we go over the homework together. Some days it may take up to a couple of hours, because the teacher at school never had the time to make sure everyone understood the subject.
But I am happy to do this, it jogs my memory to re-study about the Greek Gods or about Fysics (which I never understood myself in school).
Seems to be my last year as president of the parents' association. Five long years I have been the president, but who is going to come in my place? Not many volunteers are available, when we have the compulsory meeting every fall, fewer and fewer parents even bother to come. Not to mention that they would be able to give a few hours each semester to raise money for the kids at school. My objective this last year (if it is my last year) is to give away almost all the money we have raised, next week the students will receive new small sleds. And in a few weeks we'll have a Wintercarneval, there we are going to give to everyone attending free sleighride with a horse. How nostalgic!
But now I have to do the one thing I dislike very very very much - pay the bills. If only I could work in order to make money and not only spend. Well, maybe next month?
It would be great to receive some comments, so please feel free to comment.
Outside is freezing, about -15C. Yesterday the kids were iceskating for about two hours with a couple of their friends, it was wonderful to watch them enjoy themselves. My youngest has just learned how to iceskate, and she was the last child on ice. When she was alone on ice, she skated around singing: "The whole ice is mine, just mine. Mine alone I may skate around.." and then she fell, and laughed along with others :) What a possible way of thinking, maybe I have done somethings the right way in raising my children.
Last night I slept for 12hours, the new medicine is finally starting to work. Well obviously, because now for the first time in about a year I have the energy to do something else than sit and think how to change my position so it would hurt the least. Still I wonder why, maybe because now I may be at home when my children come home from school?
Oh, school, don't get me started on that! The community we are living in, are going to save some money and one of the teachers at our school has to go! So, there are going to be only two teachers left and 41 students. And since the school in question are the lower classes, it would be very important to have the basics well taught. But no, supposedly the school will be divided in two, so that the first and second grade are together (15 students) and then from the third to the sixth grade (26 students) will be together.
Even today the children have to do the exercises themselves and check the answers on their own. No-one has the time to double check. There should be no problem with this system, but there is - the children are in such a hurry for recess, they just hastily check the results, or in worst case copy the correct answers. And if the answer differs from what they have got, they just erase and write the right answer instead, and don't even wonder how it would be done correctly!!!
Not everyone has parents like me, everyday we go over the homework together. Some days it may take up to a couple of hours, because the teacher at school never had the time to make sure everyone understood the subject.
But I am happy to do this, it jogs my memory to re-study about the Greek Gods or about Fysics (which I never understood myself in school).
Seems to be my last year as president of the parents' association. Five long years I have been the president, but who is going to come in my place? Not many volunteers are available, when we have the compulsory meeting every fall, fewer and fewer parents even bother to come. Not to mention that they would be able to give a few hours each semester to raise money for the kids at school. My objective this last year (if it is my last year) is to give away almost all the money we have raised, next week the students will receive new small sleds. And in a few weeks we'll have a Wintercarneval, there we are going to give to everyone attending free sleighride with a horse. How nostalgic!
But now I have to do the one thing I dislike very very very much - pay the bills. If only I could work in order to make money and not only spend. Well, maybe next month?
It would be great to receive some comments, so please feel free to comment.
2010/01/19
Tuesday feelings
Next week on Friday, they will make an ENMG-exam, to find out what the matter is with my hands. They ache alot, and I have trouble sleeping. Mornings are the worst, I can't open my right hand at all. Seems to be something crushing some nerves but what are the physicians going to do to make it better - only time will tell.
Sometimes I feel this is so overwhelming, I can't help but wonder Why me? Why am I the one in 100.000 who got this evil disease. Why can't I walk without aid anymore? Well atleast this disease got me to stop smoking at once. My last cigarette was lit on September 22, 2009 after I had my ABI-index measured and it was very near critical ischemia. A week after this, I was admitted to the hospital for three weeks.
During my stay at the hospital, they examined me and tried to make the ulcers in my left foot better. I had to use the wheelchair, and only few steps were allowed to be taken without assistant. The last week I received iv-medicine, Ilomedin, which should enlarge the bloodvessels. The only thing I felt the medicine did was that it caused me a terrible head ache. Since then, this treatment was redone in the beginning of December.
The sun is setting here in Finland, promised my children they could go iceskating, so I'd better start packing everything together.
Tomorrow is a new day :)
Sometimes I feel this is so overwhelming, I can't help but wonder Why me? Why am I the one in 100.000 who got this evil disease. Why can't I walk without aid anymore? Well atleast this disease got me to stop smoking at once. My last cigarette was lit on September 22, 2009 after I had my ABI-index measured and it was very near critical ischemia. A week after this, I was admitted to the hospital for three weeks.
During my stay at the hospital, they examined me and tried to make the ulcers in my left foot better. I had to use the wheelchair, and only few steps were allowed to be taken without assistant. The last week I received iv-medicine, Ilomedin, which should enlarge the bloodvessels. The only thing I felt the medicine did was that it caused me a terrible head ache. Since then, this treatment was redone in the beginning of December.
The sun is setting here in Finland, promised my children they could go iceskating, so I'd better start packing everything together.
Tomorrow is a new day :)
A description of Buerger's Disease
The following text has been copied from WIKIPEDIA http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buerger's_disease
Buerger's disease
Buerger's disease (also known as thromboangiitis obliterans) is a recurring inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of small and medium arteries and veins of the hands and feet. It is strongly associated with use of tobacco products,[1] primarily from smoking, but also from smokeless tobacco.
Features
There is a recurrent acute and chronic inflammation and thrombosis of arteries and veins of the hands and feet. The main symptom is pain in the affected areas. Ulcerations and gangrene in the extremities are common complications, often resulting in the need for amputation of the involved extremity.
This disease was first reported by Buerger in 1908, who described a disease in which the characteristic pathologic findings — acute inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of arteries and veins — affected the hands and feet. Another name for Buerger’s Disease is thromboangiitis obliterans.
Diagnosis
A concrete diagnosis of thromboangiitis obliterans is often difficult as it relies heavily on exclusion of other conditions. The commonly followed diagnostic criteria are below although the criteria tend to differ slightly from author to author. Olin (2000) proposes the following criteria:
- Typically between 20–40 years old and male, although recently females have been diagnosed.
- Current (or recent) history of tobacco use
- Presence of distal extremity ischemia (indicated by claudication, pain at rest, ischemic ulcers or gangrene) documented by noninvasive vascular testing such as ultrasound
- Exclusion of other autoimmune diseases, hypercoagulable states, and diabetes mellitus by laboratory tests.
- Exclusion of a proximal source of emboli by echocardiography and arteriography
- Consistent arteriographic findings in the clinically involved and noninvolved limbs.
Buerger’s disease can be mimicked by a wide variety of other diseases that cause diminished blood flow to the extremities. These other disorders must be ruled out with an aggressive evaluation, because their treatments differ substantially from that of Buerger’s Disease.
For Buerger’s there is no treatment known to be effective.
Diseases with which Buerger’s Disease may be confused include atherosclerosis (build–up of cholesterol plaques in the arteries), endocarditis (an infection of the lining of the heart), other types of vasculitis, severe Raynaud’s phenomenon associated with connective tissue disorders (e.g., lupus or scleroderma), clotting disorders of the blood, and others.
Angiograms of the upper and lower extremities can be helpful in making the diagnosis of Buerger’s disease. In the proper clinical setting, certain angiographic findings are diagnostic of Buerger’s. These findings include a “cock” appearance of arteries that result from vascular damage, particularly the arteries in the region of the wrists and ankles. Angiograms may also show occlusions (blockages) or stenoses (narrowings) in multiple areas of both the arms and legs. The changes are particularly apparent in the blood vessels in the lower right hand portion of the picture (the ulnar artery distribution).
In order to rule out other forms of vasculitis (by excluding involvement of vascular regions atypical for Buerger’s), it is sometimes necessary to perform angiograms of other body regions (e.g., a mesenteric angiogram).
Skin biopsies of affected extremities are rarely performed because of the frequent concern that a biopsy site near an area poorly perfused with blood will not heal well.
Pathophysiology
There are characteristic pathologic findings of acute inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of arteries and veins of the hands and feet (the lower limbs being more common). The mechanisms underlying Buerger's disease are still largely unknown. It is suspected that immunological reactions play a role.
The association of Buerger’s Disease with tobacco use, particularly cigarette smoking, cannot be overemphasized. Most patients with Buerger’s are regular smokers but some cases occur in patients who only smoke “moderately”; others have been reported in users of smokeless tobacco. It has been postulated that Buerger’s Disease is an “autoimmune” reaction (one in which the body’s immune system attacks the body’s own tissues) triggered by some constituent of tobacco.
Treatment
Smoking cessation has shown to slow the progression of the disease and decrease the severity of amputation in most patients, but does not halt the progression. Vascular surgery can sometimes be helpful in treating limbs with poor perfusion secondary to this disease. Use of vascular growth factor and stem cell injections have been showing promise in clinical studies.
Streptokinase has been proposed as adjuvant therapy in some cases.
Prognosis
Buerger's is not immediately fatal, but life-shortening. Amputation is common and major amputations (of limbs rather than fingers/ toes) are almost twice as common in patients who continue to smoke. Death rate has not been consistently shown as higher in patients who do not cease smoking but for this and other health concerns quitting is highly recommended. Female patients tend to show much higher longevity rates than men.
Despite the clear presence of inflammation in this disorder, anti-inflammatory agents such as corticosteroids have not been shown to be beneficial in healing, but do have significant anti-inflammatory and pain relief qualities in low dosage intermittent form. Similarly, strategies of anticoagulation (thinning of the blood with aspirin or other agents to prevent clots) have not proven effective. The only way to slow the progression of the disease is to abstain from all tobacco products.
Prevention
The cause of the disease is unknown but thought to be autoimmune in nature and heavily linked to tobacco use. There have also been links to persons with digestive disorders.
Epidemiology
Buerger's is more common among men than women. It is more common in Israel, Japan and India along the "old silk route" than in the United States and Europe. The disease is most common among South Asians. The patients are almost always from low class of their society.
History
Buerger's disease was first reported by Felix von Winiwarter in 1879 in Austria.
It wasn't until 1908, however, that the disease was given its first accurate pathological description, by Leo Buerger at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. Buerger called it "presenile spontaneous gangrene" after studying amputations in 11 patients.
Buerger's disease
Buerger's disease (also known as thromboangiitis obliterans) is a recurring inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of small and medium arteries and veins of the hands and feet. It is strongly associated with use of tobacco products,[1] primarily from smoking, but also from smokeless tobacco.
Features
There is a recurrent acute and chronic inflammation and thrombosis of arteries and veins of the hands and feet. The main symptom is pain in the affected areas. Ulcerations and gangrene in the extremities are common complications, often resulting in the need for amputation of the involved extremity.
This disease was first reported by Buerger in 1908, who described a disease in which the characteristic pathologic findings — acute inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of arteries and veins — affected the hands and feet. Another name for Buerger’s Disease is thromboangiitis obliterans.
Diagnosis
A concrete diagnosis of thromboangiitis obliterans is often difficult as it relies heavily on exclusion of other conditions. The commonly followed diagnostic criteria are below although the criteria tend to differ slightly from author to author. Olin (2000) proposes the following criteria:
- Typically between 20–40 years old and male, although recently females have been diagnosed.
- Current (or recent) history of tobacco use
- Presence of distal extremity ischemia (indicated by claudication, pain at rest, ischemic ulcers or gangrene) documented by noninvasive vascular testing such as ultrasound
- Exclusion of other autoimmune diseases, hypercoagulable states, and diabetes mellitus by laboratory tests.
- Exclusion of a proximal source of emboli by echocardiography and arteriography
- Consistent arteriographic findings in the clinically involved and noninvolved limbs.
Buerger’s disease can be mimicked by a wide variety of other diseases that cause diminished blood flow to the extremities. These other disorders must be ruled out with an aggressive evaluation, because their treatments differ substantially from that of Buerger’s Disease.
For Buerger’s there is no treatment known to be effective.
Diseases with which Buerger’s Disease may be confused include atherosclerosis (build–up of cholesterol plaques in the arteries), endocarditis (an infection of the lining of the heart), other types of vasculitis, severe Raynaud’s phenomenon associated with connective tissue disorders (e.g., lupus or scleroderma), clotting disorders of the blood, and others.
Angiograms of the upper and lower extremities can be helpful in making the diagnosis of Buerger’s disease. In the proper clinical setting, certain angiographic findings are diagnostic of Buerger’s. These findings include a “cock” appearance of arteries that result from vascular damage, particularly the arteries in the region of the wrists and ankles. Angiograms may also show occlusions (blockages) or stenoses (narrowings) in multiple areas of both the arms and legs. The changes are particularly apparent in the blood vessels in the lower right hand portion of the picture (the ulnar artery distribution).
In order to rule out other forms of vasculitis (by excluding involvement of vascular regions atypical for Buerger’s), it is sometimes necessary to perform angiograms of other body regions (e.g., a mesenteric angiogram).
Skin biopsies of affected extremities are rarely performed because of the frequent concern that a biopsy site near an area poorly perfused with blood will not heal well.
Pathophysiology
There are characteristic pathologic findings of acute inflammation and thrombosis (clotting) of arteries and veins of the hands and feet (the lower limbs being more common). The mechanisms underlying Buerger's disease are still largely unknown. It is suspected that immunological reactions play a role.
The association of Buerger’s Disease with tobacco use, particularly cigarette smoking, cannot be overemphasized. Most patients with Buerger’s are regular smokers but some cases occur in patients who only smoke “moderately”; others have been reported in users of smokeless tobacco. It has been postulated that Buerger’s Disease is an “autoimmune” reaction (one in which the body’s immune system attacks the body’s own tissues) triggered by some constituent of tobacco.
Treatment
Smoking cessation has shown to slow the progression of the disease and decrease the severity of amputation in most patients, but does not halt the progression. Vascular surgery can sometimes be helpful in treating limbs with poor perfusion secondary to this disease. Use of vascular growth factor and stem cell injections have been showing promise in clinical studies.
Streptokinase has been proposed as adjuvant therapy in some cases.
Prognosis
Buerger's is not immediately fatal, but life-shortening. Amputation is common and major amputations (of limbs rather than fingers/ toes) are almost twice as common in patients who continue to smoke. Death rate has not been consistently shown as higher in patients who do not cease smoking but for this and other health concerns quitting is highly recommended. Female patients tend to show much higher longevity rates than men.
Despite the clear presence of inflammation in this disorder, anti-inflammatory agents such as corticosteroids have not been shown to be beneficial in healing, but do have significant anti-inflammatory and pain relief qualities in low dosage intermittent form. Similarly, strategies of anticoagulation (thinning of the blood with aspirin or other agents to prevent clots) have not proven effective. The only way to slow the progression of the disease is to abstain from all tobacco products.
Prevention
The cause of the disease is unknown but thought to be autoimmune in nature and heavily linked to tobacco use. There have also been links to persons with digestive disorders.
Epidemiology
Buerger's is more common among men than women. It is more common in Israel, Japan and India along the "old silk route" than in the United States and Europe. The disease is most common among South Asians. The patients are almost always from low class of their society.
History
Buerger's disease was first reported by Felix von Winiwarter in 1879 in Austria.
It wasn't until 1908, however, that the disease was given its first accurate pathological description, by Leo Buerger at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. Buerger called it "presenile spontaneous gangrene" after studying amputations in 11 patients.
First text
Hi all!
My name is Isa, and this is my blog.
A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with Buerger's Disease and I want to share my journey with You.
Blogging is very new to me, so please be patient - I will learn quickly :)
Hope you'll enjoy reading these "stories"!
My name is Isa, and this is my blog.
A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with Buerger's Disease and I want to share my journey with You.
Blogging is very new to me, so please be patient - I will learn quickly :)
Hope you'll enjoy reading these "stories"!
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