Feeling sad today

Today on Wednesday, feeling much much better. My fever rose up to 38,5 and the only thing I could do was to shiver under all the blankets and hope that it would pass.

While browsing through Facebook this morning I found a group called The Finnish Pain association (tranlated freely) in Finnish Suomen Kipu ry. After a few clicks, I found their own website, and there read that people who suffer from chronic pain, often have changes in their social network and that even the most active person can become reclusive. Really? That I can underline 100%! Previously I took part in many organisations on my freetime. I was the chairman of a Parent association and of the local Red Cross; a member of the board of our local "village organisation", the Entrepreneur Association as well as LounaPlussa. Nowadays I still am the chairman of the Parent Association. Nowadays I still am with the parent association and of the entrepreneur organisation, but I only work about 1/10 of my previous activity.

I loved to have family and friends come over for dinner or a cup of coffee, as a matter of fact I still do, but only a few people have the time. It has been a long time since we have been invited to visit anyone, fortunately we have one very dear friend with whom we interact quite much. Besides her and my family - there is no-one. This makes me so sad, but what am I to do? I'm not able to drive the car anymore, so I can't get up and whizz myself away. We live in the middle of nowhere, so it is hard and timetaking for someone to come visit us, usually you have to reserve a whole day to come here, and who in this busy world can waste an entire day on us, when even a phonecall every once in a while (once every five years?) is too much to ask?

I can't even remember the last time the phone would ring and on the other end would be a friend. And it can't rely that I wouldn't have had contact with my friends, I used to phone up them often, but if I'm not the one to take the initiative, my friends seem to be too caught up to do so. Onesided communication doesn't last long. This is what I have found out the hard way.

It's no use to use up your energy and arrange a party, invite lots of people to come. Plan for weeks ahead, create a menu that takes into consideration everyones taste, dislikes and allergies. Buy and prepare the meals and make beds for the guests to sleep in. And then, a day before or even on the same day - textmessages start to beep - Sorry, can't come. Sorry, my hamster is feeling ill. Sorry, neighbour asked to water his plants. And the result is that maybe one or two arrive (and always the same one or two people, to whom I am very thankful), ofcourse we'll have a wonderful time! To the outside world I'll show a happy face, but inside my heart is breaking. What have I done to deserve this as well. Something bad, has to be.

Things change, people change, situations change. I know that. But I don't have to like it. I want to enjoy life, spend time with my friends, laugh until every last bit of trouble has been vanished. Instead, I have to sit at home, and if I'm lucky I have the chance to read a few lines in Facebook what my friends have done. If you could see my front page - you'd never believe I have 120 friends of whom everyones' news are to be published...

What should I do? Force my friends? No use. Maybe the only thing left to do is to just silently approve of my situation. I hope that (if someone is reading this) you did not get the idea that I don't appreciate my family or that I wouldn't enjoy their company, that's totally bogus! I love my family so much, words can't even begin to describe how much. Without my family - I would have nothing.